“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” - Thich Nhat Hanh
It was right there at the restaurant, staring at my phone, as I was waiting for my order to-go that it really hit me. While trying to stop myself from breaking down on the verge of tears I came to this realization --- I was stuck in a cycle of familiar suffering.
Familiar suffering could have many faces; for me, it looked like texting someone who hurt me time and time again. And even though I fully expected to be disappointed, I sent the text anyway. With the response that I received, I was disappointed, but not surprised -- a feeling I had become so familiar with over the last few months.
I had to finally ask myself why do I keep putting myself through this emotional rollercoaster? Especially, if I knew how it was going to go, why did I insist on putting myself through the stress and sadness? And for me the answer was very simple: it was comfortable. It was more comfortable to feel the pain of a situation that I was familiar with than to acknowledge the potential for change. Or to acknowledge the possibility that something or someone new could make me feel just as ‘emotional’; happy, sad, all the above.
It sounds ridiculous to think, but sometimes, although we may be unhappy in a situation, it is easier to face the ‘devil that you know’ than the devil that you don’t. Sometimes it seems scary to move on, to take the risk, and to embrace a change if there is the slightest chance that a new, and unknown suffering may be attached to it.
Truthfully, I really don’t have all the answers on how to tackle this one, but I can share with you what I have learned thus far:
I realized that when I was presented with a new situation with an equal chance of being happy or being hurt, -- I kept going back to the ‘something’ or someone that hurt me before. I didn’t go back because that person was initially on my mind but rather as a coping mechanism to avoid coming to terms that my life is not the same as what it was in the past. It was a coping mechanism to avoid moving forward and to finally recognize that I was moving on.
In response to this, I had to tell myself that this habit that I’m holding so tightly on to is not sustainable and that not only is it keeping me stuck in one place but it’s also stunting me from the potential of growing.
This then lead me down a particular train of thought:
By exercising this habit of familiar suffering --- I had to ask myself,
“Does this habit support the life that I’m trying to create?” Quick Answer: No.
Another question,
"By putting myself through this familiar suffering, was I truly honoring myself? Quick Answer: No.
Putting myself mentally through a situation, despite it being comfortable, over and over, and facing the same results and the same pain I had to ultimately recognize that I was doing a disservice to myself. And this is not the kind of life that I want to live.
Here is a list of affirmations that have been working for me in helping me to choose against going down a path of familiar suffering:
I am choosing to honor myself, and in doing so I am no longer choosing to put myself through this pain.
I am choosing to forgive myself. By forgiving myself, I am recognizing that I am growing and moving forward.
I am letting go of my anger and discontent in order to allow space for love and joy.
I am standing up for myself by choosing to no longer expend energy on what no longer serves my spirit, hopes, and dreams.
“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything - anger, anxiety, or possessions - we cannot be free.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh, The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching: Transforming Suffering into Peace, Joy, and Liberation