November is Men's Mental Health Month. As mental health and mental wellness becomes more accepted and even encouraged in today’s world, it is still quite difficult for many men to seek the help that they need. Some men chose to hide behind the “this is just the way that I am” mantra, while others are aware that they may have mental health struggles but find it difficult to take the steps necessary to address the problems. This difficulty can be due to a variety of reasons; maybe they are afraid, maybe it's easier to avoid those emotions, or maybe addressing mental health isn’t deemed 'manly' due to society's overwhelming stigma behind mental health. Here are some statistics:
84 men take their own lives in a week.
75% of all suicides are male
Men are less likely to get help
For this article I had the pleasure of interviewing a kind and well-rounded friend regarding mental health from a male’s perspective. We spoke candidly about mental health and mental wellness in today’s world and he was kind enough to share his personal story. Below is an edited transcript of our conversation.
Phone Interview:
Sherin: What is mental health or mental wellness to you?
Jonah: I would define mental health as the promotion of positive mental and emotional states.
Sherin: When did you first notice that you had mental health struggles?
Jonah: One of the most distinct memories is in middle school/high school when I first started to like girls, I would always romanticize the relationship (or lack of relationship) with the girls. I would build false expectations and I would get really hurt if they didn’t pay attention to me or reciprocate those feelings. In order to combat that, I would look up inspirational quotes and write them on a whiteboard and read them to myself when I felt myself spiraling into those thoughts. I wouldn’t allow my mind to spiral into those unrealistic expectations unless the girls reciprocated my emotions. Now I tend to journal and use talk therapy as needed.
Sherin: What encouraged you to start going to therapy or journaling?
Jonah: I started going to therapy after some traumatic situations. I guess I wanted to be able to have someone identify something negative or traumatic in me that I could not identify myself. I started journaling in high school after taking notes. I would always write my own subjective version of what I was learning in class and that’s what helped me to think about things more subjectively, including experiences in my life. Now I journal a lot more because it helps me see situations through a third person manner. I journal and then I am able to analyze and identify certain emotions or triggers. Emotions are often not rooted in what we think. For example, if i get into a fight with my girlfriend I might think that she did something to make me angry or upset. But, after journaling and analyzing the situation, I might see that i’m actually angry because she said something neutral that might trigger an insecurity that I have. On a more personal level, I didn’t want to end up projecting my emotions onto others like my dad. It felt so hard to get through to him even in the simple things. This was definitely a motivator for me to address my mental health.
Sherin: What are some of the ways that you cope when it comes to mental health?
Jonah: I find it easier to cope in a healthy way (like journaling). I find that around family or people that I know better, I may express more anger because when you’re with people that know you better, you are more vulnerable. I also have to be very aware of when I am feeling certain negative emotions because it is very easy to revert back to old ways of coping instead of the positive mechanisms that I have taught myself.
Sherin: Any advice for other men who are struggling with their mental health/how can you encourage them to seek help?
Jonah: Define mental health for yourself and find the approach that makes you feel inclined to address it. Mental health has the connotation of coming off as selfish but it is not. It is also important to remember that the positive effects of addressing mental health are cumulative. Try to build that foundational concept of self-help as you continue working towards your mental health. Taking the first step of just acknowledging that something is wrong can snowball into mental wellness. I encourage you to take the first step. Lastly, try to surround yourself with people that give you the space to express emotions. Men often avoid people that make them feel sensitive or vulnerable, but I challenge you to do just that.
Sherin: I find that a lot of men would rather escape their struggles through other means such as drugs, alcohol, sex and other behaviors instead of taking those first steps to deal with the problem. What is your advice to them?
Jonah: That’s tough but I would say that it starts with a conversation. If they are willing to speak about any traumatic experiences, how they felt degraded or even issues with a parent that can stem into a more productive conversation. The main thing is to start from where they are at. Maybe work backwards. Unfortunately there are still a lot of men out there who were taught that talking about their emotions makes them a “sissy”, but in reality it is strength. Tap into that strength, because that is where the healing begins.
If you or someone you love is considering taking the first steps to addressing mental health, let this conversation be the motivation that you are looking for.
As we end our conversation --- I want to send my love to the men who are struggling mentally, who suffer from suicidal thoughts, who are scared to speak up, who are in therapy, who feel alone and/or feel dismissed from society. Let's normalize creating safe spaces for men to talk about their mental health issues. Always know that it's okay to ask for help.